Find below my musings on my teen years as a closet trans gender. Some of its funny, some of its sad. Its something that should NEVER, EVER have to happen, but sadly it does and will continue to happen while bigotry is part of modern society. Thus endeth the lecture...... Now read on.

 

   High school for anyone is quite daunting. For one who is harbouring transgender leanings, it is a complete nightmare. Year 8 was not so bad really, the puberty thing had not really started at that point. It was simply an extension of primary school. This was the year my older sister announced suddenly "I'm getting married.." - she was barely 17 at the time. The atmosphere at home was rather tense for some time after that. The new baby though, seemed to ease that a bit. Being the first grandchild, it is to be expected despite the dubious nature of his arrival. No-one would tell me what was really going on - something I resented for a very long time after.

 

Not long after that, my brother announced "I'm leaving home to join the army". All of a sudden, I've gone from being a middle child to the oldest at home. Younger sister obviously remained, and was spoilt even more (or so it seemed to me at the time). Bear in mind too - puberty is just starting to kick in. I become sullen and moody, as teenagers tend to be.

 

Its horrible really - body hair starts to grow and my voice is changing. I have mixed feelings on this - I can sometimes see that this is leading to adulthood (and the freedom teenagers think it gives), and sometimes I reel in horror at the maleness of it all.

 

At about age 14, I happen upon a movie on television one weekend - it was the story of Christine Georgenson (first successful gender change surgery recorded circa 1960's). I am transfixed to the screen - this is showing almost exactly the sorts of things I experience. So, now my feelings have a name. But I cannot bring myself to say it out loud  - "transexual". It was a relief to know I'm not the only one in the universe like this, but its still "dirty and shamefull" - the things I learnt from very young. It is now more important than ever to keep it hidden.

 

About this time, we moved house too. This meant going to a new school. It turns out I end up going to a segregated gender high school ie boys only. I still wonder whether this was good luck or bad. Obviously, there was no chance at all of me spilling the beans in such an environment. There was some sport there, and I performed adequately in that. I could never say I hated sport, just wasn't particularly keen on it. Academically though, I was going great guns. If I scored lower than about 80%, I would get depressed. It took some time, but I eventually made a couple of "friendships" by about year 11 (some 2 years after starting there).

 

It was via this that I had my first sexual encounter.I had gone to visit this friend from school and had met up with a couple of girls he knew. We had gone into a large drain pipe. The friend and one of the girls started kissing. The other girl took hold of me and kissed me. Oh boy I was feeling the heat.... She did once put my hand on her breast. Nothing other than that happened, but I felt very odd about it all. When I got home, I was rather later than I intended, and Mother was angry. I got grounded for a month. So, I never got to see the girl again. I cannot recall her name even now, so thats a sign of how memorable it was. However I can still recall the feel of her breast. Its almost the same feeling  I can get with my own breasts now. It just feels more "right" on me. I wonder if thats why only that part has stayed with me all these years.