SRS - the unkindest cut

OK, so I been livin full time as Maddy for 3 years, and have been to the Monash clinic to be assessed for suitability for the surgery to complete the job. This was successful and the Monash team deemed me suitable to proceed with the process. What follows is the journal I kept outlining my thoughts as I underwent surgery, and just after. I hope you find it interesting and maybe have a laugh or two at my expense.

2/9/04 - Today I flew down to Melbourne and have just arrived at the hospital reception. The enormity of what I am about to undergo hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel very tense. As a diabetic, the nurse takes my blood sugar - it reads 15 yikes!!!!!!!!!! (for those that dont know, thats very high). I dont believe it and test myself again. Its true......sigh. That night I lay in bed seaching my mind for the doubts that must surely arise. Every arguement against me going ahead with this I bring up, and I can shoot down every one of them. As if I didnt need to be reminded, my penis is constantly going hard then soft. Oooh I so hate that happening. It seems like it is begging me to reconsider......but my already  rock solid resolve can only firm more. Only a dick would NOT see this. "goodbye, you ARE the weakest link". They give you a drink that will clear your bowel (so no more enemas, I should be grateful). Once it starts working, you are constantly going to the toilet and drinking gallons of water. Its tiring and I feel bloated. My genitals feel larger than ever before. Please let this end.. Dr C has been in and I am to be done second, so after lunch. Damn. Sleep comes eventually but its broken by constant trips to the toilet still. My bum hurts now, this is the world's longest wet fart .

3/9/04 - today is the day I start life beingn normal. I can not remember ever feeling so hungry. However I am calm now. My blood sugar is measured and has returned a normal range of  8 - phew. I shower and change into a gown. I have the TV on but I am not really seeing it. Finally I am being wheeled into theatre, in goes the epidural. Sweet dreams....Later -it feels like I am underwater and heading for the surface. Livvy's face becomes clear and I realise its all over. I am fairly sure I cried. My bladder feels like its bursting full, but I know this cannot be so. I drift in and out of concienceness. I am aware of a dull sensation where the surgery site is, and there is this big wad of padding down there. Its not really pain, I was expecting more I guess. A straw is put in my mouth and I drink. Pear juice I think, and oooooh it tastes good. Sometime later I wake and become aware of my hunger.  A nurse brings me jelly and I eat. I cannot ever remember jelly tasting so good. During the night nurses check the epidural is working with a block of ice.

4/9/04 - breakfast has arrived yay!!!! but its on the table out of my reach. Thankfully, the nurse comes in and sets it up for me. A simple meal of cereal and toast, but I enjoy it immensely. Eating laying down is quite challenging, but I cope. Later I am washed, this involves rolling onto my side. Doing this makes me realise where I have been cut and I need a pillow between my legs to ease the pain. But to be clean feels very good. Oops, I cough and a huge stabbing pain shoots straight to my genital area. Easy does it next time.... Apart from that, there is not much pain at all, just a dull sensation under all this padding that is covering my groin. The thing that makes me happy is, there is NO BUMP showing under the padding - YEEE HARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5/9/04 - today lunch is plain chicken breast and mashed potato. Gee I can never remember enjoying plain food so much before. This seems to have heightened my other senses. Being sponge bathed is also really nice. I feel rather helpless but the clean feeling is wonderful. The nurse today offers me my body spray, and I  agree. Its nice to feel cleean and smell nice, after the nights of sweaty and broken sleep. I doze often. I can see why you are not permitted to  sit up, any pressure on my stomach shoots straight down to my groin. All these tubes and wires are starting to annoy me too.

6/9/04 - Dr W (the anaesthetist) has been in today and tells me the epidural will come out tomorrow. This is both scary and exciting. I dont feel sore at all today and only take the offered painkillers because the nurse said I should. Livvy and co are here today, and they say my aura is bright and "am I feeling good today?" Yes I am actually. However she says my colours  are pastels, which means I am bored. No surprises there. Laura (who is one of the other girls having surgery with me), her partner has come in to see how I am. I like her and  I cant wait to meet Laura too. The other girl having surgery  is a bit down today ...seems like we are having a down day all together.

7/9/04 - OK the painkillers have been taken, now out pops the epidural tube. It is an anticlimax, I feel the tape being torn from my back and then "thats it Maddy, its out". I didnt feel a thing -  disappointing really. Now I just lie and wait to see what feelings it has been hiding. Eventually I start to sense a sharper feeling than it was, particulary where I imagine there will be sutures but its still manageable. Pain yes, but quite low intensity. I have decided to see how I go without taking the painkillers. I ask the nurse for a sleeping pill, she also talks me into taking painkillers. I drift off to sleep pondering if I am the best one to be judging my pain levels

8/9/04 - This morning during my sponge bath, I am permitted to attmept standing up while my bed sheets are changed. This involves trying to stand up without actually sitting up, ie rolling onto my side then rolling off the bed.  I can sense the pressure this puts on my wound and understand why I am not allowed to sit on it yet. Once I am up, dizziness comes quicky (as I was told to expect) and I lay down again. But gee it felt good to be out of bed, albeit briefly. After lunch, I try  getting out of bed again. This time I try a couple of steps. Again dizziness comes quicky, but it wasnt as intense this time. Oh yea!!!!! After dinner I get up a 3rd time. This time I walk around the bed and can finally get to smell the flowers I have recieved. I dont feel dizzy straight awaybut do have to lie down again. The nurses seem to be quite impressed. Apparently we are the first group that Dr C has permitted to stand up BEFORE the 1st week . We are famous. Dr C comes in and I tell him the standing up has done  me the world of good - mentally at least.

 

9/9/04 - Today I have gotten up 4 times and been out of the room for the first time, including one trip down the happ to visit Phillipa (who was done same day as me). This taste of freedom has made me happy.  My bottom is still quite tender and I have mastered the art of gettin up without sitting on my bum. There is no dizziness now but I still need to take care when laying back down again. My friend K from the sunshine coast has come to visit me and bought me a lovely pearl necklace. I cant wait to put them with my little black dress when I get home. She has been such a help, its nice to have a familiar face here. My chat friend T has been in and bought me some chocolates - I will have some after the next surgical operation tomorrow to celebrate.

 

10/9/04 - sleep has not been good, I wake at 4-00am. Luckily the US opne tennis is on. Today they gonna take the packing off my wound and I will finally get to see whats been done to me. There is a delay in the theatre and we all have to wait until after lunchtime. grrrrrrrrrr. Finally I am wheeled into theatre and put to sleep. Recovery room -  I wake up and its 2-45pm on the clock. I doze and later wake up in my room  again. For the first time I canm say I feel what I call real pain at my surgery site and ask for a pain killer. And my bum is killing me, have to try to roll off it. They bring me sandwhiches yummmy. I really need to stand up and do - aaaahhh thats better. Laying down now the painkillers kick in phew. That last hour was not pleasant but is much better now. I have one chocolate top celebrate. I get out my nighty and put it on, its so nice to be out of a hospital gown. for the first time I sit on the toilet seat and brush my hair, this is soooooo pleasing. It surprises me how such small things are giving me such pleasure, I guess it forces you to focus on the simple things in life. I cant wait to go for a shower tomorrow, my hair is still really grotty and smelly.

11/9/04 - the last reamining tube in me is the catheter, and it comes out now - OW!!! that bloody hurt but the pain was fleeting. My first bath is being run and I can feel a bump in my panties. Damn, the foam mould has popped out. Gee, its longer than I was expecting, coooooool. Now I go to the bath. Before I lay down, I stand and look in the mirror, what I now have between my legs is finally revealed. There are 2 large ridges of swelling down each side, but the middle part looks quite normal for a woman - there is NO SIGN OF ANY MALE bits.  A wave of joy washes over me, I feel intense satisfaction. OK lay down in the salt water and run my hand down there, this is absolute bliss. A week ago there was tissue and now there is just space. Its incredible how much I enjoy this.I run my finger down and feel the opening where the mould must go back in. The whole area is hard and swollen, but not sore. After the bath I go back to my room to shower - ohhhhh such bliss to finally wash my hair. I can stand now and use my hand mirror to have a good look at my surgery. I cannot believe I am finally anatomically right, its such joy to finally see my lifelong dream a reality. NOw comes the work bit - geting the foam mould back in.  The nurse is there to supervise me this first time, and seems happy with my effort. I am glad I did that exploration in the bath, I find the opening easily.The pushing it up is painfull, but I perservere. Right its in now and I can lay back and relax. Ooops it popped out and I push it back in and close my legs. Sleep now................ Later I wake and feel he bladder pressure building. Better go sit in the toilet. Its a very surreal feeling, I sit here not knowing what is about to happen. Right here it comes............. I can here the stream running but I cannot feel wher eit is coming from. I look down and happily its runnign straight down as it should. Phew! This leads to another bath, where I explore further. The whole thing is sitting very nicely with me, I just love the sensation of space where it wasnt before.

12/9/04 - overnight I have been up to wee teice, and the mould keeps popping out. I decide to wee with it removed, its easier. This keeping the mould in is quite challenging, but I am gettin used to the feel and can tell when its about to pop out. In the bath I see how far in I can get my finger. It feels exactly like I remember my ex wife feeling, but in ME, not her. Gee that seems like a lifetime ago. Walking and keeping the mould in is a challenge, I have learned fast to keep my legs together. Yesterday m blood pressure was low and I felt a little flat - today my blood pressure is up and I feel  better. Dr C has been in and says I should be able to get out of her on Tuesday. Ahhh, the mould has popped out and made a fanny fat he he. What a laugh. My sister rings and we arange for her to fly over here on Wednesday